Thoughts

I’d like to tell you what I am and why I am the way I am

I’d like to show you that I’m good and show you if you want you can

I’d like to give you calm, create a sanctuary for your pain

I’ll sit right by your side we’ll wait together through the passing rain

Regret.

To punish, to thrash, bolt, die, escape, make demands

Choices pooled in your hands, now you're enslaved by commands

How I have failed you. For years, I drew my sword and collided

Ever shackled to the past, to anger young and misguided

I think of you now, and I just miss my little brother

It's amazing how deep, the ways we damage each other.

.....

Every time I tell someone new about it, no matter how I say it, I have another breakdown. They're getting smaller. I guess I usually put it out of my mind.

Fear is Key

The thing you fear the most is the thing you need to do.

For later

When the good times come again, I will not waste a drop. I will remember how desolate the landscape was at this time, and I will take deep breaths of gratitude.

In the meantime, I take small steps. One foot in front of the other. Don't ask me where I'm going, I couldn't tell you.

Things I learned this summer...

1. Don't kiss your favorite office friend. You will lose the friendship. That is the thing that hurts most.

2. Petty, insecure women are the root of everything evil.

3. Confident, kind women are the root of everything good.

4. An inflated sense of self importance is destructive.

5. The pursuit of balance is paramount.

6. You ALWAYS have a choice. Always.

Oh and some legal things. I learned legal things.

A summer boy

I got carried away by your charm and your size

I liked your pajamas, I liked your blue eyes

At the ball game when I spun the wheel for a prize

was it all a disguise?

It must have just been for the thrill of the chase

A secret romance just to feel your heart race

I must have misread that sweet look on your face

but it's hard to erase.

Cherries and popcorn and nights intertwined

It was far fetched to think you could ever be mine

While I won't understand it, with time I'll be fine

but you'll be on my mind.

Unrest

I know that as long as I seek refuge in another person I will not find the peace I seek.

I know that no person can rescue me.

Constantly I realize I hurt myself.

My fleeting heated desires are pain. A tryst will not heal my unrest. Social acceptance, vanity, consumption will not cure this disease.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to sit. Alone. In silence.

I am not afraid of being happy. I am not afraid of being alone.

I am, however, afraid of being happy alone, a crippling fear that rules over me.

And maybe I am not in need of rescuing or escape. Maybe I am plainly in need of acceptance and surrender.

I surrender to you, dear life, dear self.

Constantly, I surrender.

The suspension of disbelief, such an innocent principle. Go to a movie, go to a musical, go to a concert, and lose yourself. Lose yourself in the imagery, the costumes, the magical fantasy world you watch. and enjoy yourself. And appreciate the time, work, energy, creativity, talent that went into making these things. And then two hours later, go home and reflect. You were moved. You felt something new, or familiar, or soothing, or raw. And you left your life, your grounded earthly normal life, and flew up above it for a moment. You forgot about your problems, your faults, your limits, your failures, or maybe you found comfort or empathy about these things. and this is all very innocent. and nourishing.

But what if you were to continue to suspend your disbelief for a week? a year? a lifetime? Is reality so terrible, so frightening, so unbearable that you must constantly strive to avoid it at all costs? Are you satisfied here, in never never land? Are you fulfilled? Do you feel loved, appreciated, seen, understood, worthwhile? Do you want to feel these things? or maybe all of these things are exactly the monsters you're hiding from.

I'm a little cryptic. I'm a little lost. I'm a little jealous. I'm a little jaded. I have no interest in being swept away from my life. My life is too short. and I don't want to miss it. I want to be known, deeply. I want to love and to be loved and to build. and I can't pretend there's not pain. To fully live my life is to embrace the pain. Sometimes I wish I could just forget like you. Detach. Break off into pieces and leave the hurt pieces in a room, locked and hidden from the part of me that floats around dancing and flirting and smiling and dreaming.

and sometimes I just think, maybe you're onto something. We live and die alone at the end of the day. We lose everything eventually, and it's true: life is so hard and unbearably dull sometimes. Why not make believe it's just a pretty picture?

Maybe it's a solid plan. Until I think about the end. The certain death we have to face. Reality hunts us down, and even if just for a moment, it seizes us, clings tightly onto our hearts, and you must see it. But at that inevitable point it's too late to do anything about the fact that you have nothing to show for your life. and to me, that moment would be more terrifying than all these difficult things along the way combined.

It's worth it to live here in reality. It's hard. It's complicated. It's boring sometimes. and maybe you would just suck at it ultimately. But at the end you can still say you tried. and you lived. and you were honest.

I miss my life. So it makes me ramble.

signing off, from dance camp, the land of the lost.

People like us, we get by through the day,

Surviving the city way better than most.

We go through the motions from nightcap to nightcap

Here but not here, with the heart of a ghost.

People like us we meet up some night

In a room full of strangers who call themselves friends.

It feels like a dream but it's too hard to tell

Where the dream begins and the real world ends

Less is more.

People with furrowed brows, hands on hips, talk about objects. talk about grandchildren.

I'm in a trance deep inside a high school yearbook. I'll take their word for it, but I don't know about any of this. I'm pretty sure we're doomed. You'll make it. I just wish I knew how to fit.

I get overwhelmed, distracted, confused, hypnotized, fascinated by rooms full of objects sometimes. We're always fixing and searching, buying and selling, moving and planning. I am such a suspicious character, with my resting and pondering. I'm trapped and selfish sometimes. Aren't you?

I wonder what you'll say. Crafting magic words into a solution for us. Stirring up the perfect potion countries away. I wish you would just say yes. yes. okay. I'll do it. I'll try. Because the saying is the least of it. Say it, and get it out of the way so that you can get on with the doing. The more words the farther away we are, and I know it's hard because words are all you have right now to do your bidding. But all the right words wont make it work if it can't work. and usually, it doesn't work.

but how I hate to disappoint.

Where is it she goes?

What is trust? If I trust myself truly do I need it with others? If I know, beyond a doubt, that I am all right, I am complete, I will suffice with just me, then what does it matter if he is to be trusted or not.

I can't give it away again. to be smashed. I just can't. and I have a sinking feeling. dread. and what do I dread more? Learning that it has all been an illusion? again. or having to face the people I love after revealing to them that it all fell through. again.

Is my intuition really just a self fulfilling prophecy? Could I see a good thing if I had it? Will I ever have it?

There are some days I just feel broken for no reason at all.

silly girl.

I admire you

I desire you

and it doesn't help that your eyes are blue

It would not be fair

to require you

to feel the same

You just make me grin

you make me spin

I'm down you cheer me up again

I wish I knew

the moves to win

this kind of game

I don't want to break up anymore.

the end is near

Death. I think about it a lot. we should all think about it a lot, in my opinion. Not because it will make it any easier to deal with the death of a loved one. Not because we can escape the inevitable, but because we only have this one life, and it will end.

Everyone around you will die. Everyone you know, everyone you see on the street, every person you ever kissed, you ever hated, you ever worked with. Either you will know and live through their death, or you'll be dead yourself. They will expire. into thin air. their essence, their words, their dreams, their smile. gone. only a tiny fraction will remain, captured in photographs, in memories, in dreams.

Impermanance. The foundation of life. It makes everything seem so silly. Resentment, cruelty, betrayal, melodrama, anxiety, the games we play. all for nothing. we'll be gone soon.

So how magical, this world. this world of temporary beings. It's a wonder we can get anything done at all, us fragile humans with our momentary lives. Our breathing in and out. We live each day oblivious to our constant vulnerability. So often we forget, we hesitate, we refrain from loving and experiencing and expressing gratitude for all the things we are fortunate enough to hold even for a minute. The mundane things. The terrible things. The miraculous things.

Let's not rush it. Let's not waste it. Here we are for now. Let's drop it, and live and enjoy each other.

I really love you friends. We are so lucky, words cannot describe.

some days...

I remember the feeling of having such a great friend.

I fill with anger knowing you're no longer my friend. and it's your fault. and I can't forgive you.

I wish I could forgive you.

I wish you were still my friend.

I wish we could still laugh until we cried, I wish we could still talk about anything at length.

I wish I could know what you're writing now. what you're reading.

I want to talk to you, and then the rage comes again. You've made it impossible.

I remember you...

and some days... I forget. and then I really feel sad. Knowing how far away I am from that friendship. I'm light years away.

I have amazing friends. but you knew me best. you just did.

too sixy for my pants

Goodbye for now size 4

Personal Statement 2

I deleted a previous post. and I have some thoughts about it.

I realize the content of my "personal statement" was intensely personal and revealed some things about my brother's life he wishes to keep private and out of the internet world. I understand. I respect that.

It may happen that because of my loud mouth my brother might find himself one day in a less than desirable situation with someone he has just met who might presume things about him based on his past. Yes, that would be hard and less than ideal. However, hard and less than ideal is an inescapable part of life. Tough luck. The way I deal with things is to talk about them and get them out in the open. There are innumerable consequences to our actions. They're not all fair. Maybe this is one of them. But no, someone messed up and hurt a bunch of people, and I'm supposed to shut up about it. I'm supposed to heal and process in silence, and pretend like it's not still affecting me right now.

There's an argument (that I respect) that it's "not my place" to tell someone else's life struggles. I guess this is true, although it implies that it is indeed someone's place to tell. Presumably that someone is my brother, right? His account of his life is his right to share or to keep private. Is his account the best account? the right account? the only account that matters? the only account with the power to change society?

This brings me to my point, and the dire condition of human existence right now, which concerns just how oblivious we are of the effects of our actions on other people. My life is not solely made up of my choices, my actions, my failures. In fact lately, the quality of my life has been directly affected by someone's actions over which I have no control. I have no remedy. I have no defense. Would I have moved back to Indy if it were not for someone else's choices? Would I cry myself to sleep and find myself forgetting things I used to remember if not for someone else's choices?

I want to fly a banner that reads: YOUR ACTIONS AFFECT OTHER PEOPLE. They don't just make them cry or worry, or brush their shoulder for a second, fading into the past. Your actions and choices directly affect in a deep and experiential way other people's lives. No, I can't possibly know all the ways, but I can try to be more aware, and just because I wasn't the person who made the choices, or the parent of the person, doesn't mean I don't have a real experience and a story to tell. Sometimes, your actions do indeed become someone else's truth, someone else's story, someone else's life.

How will social stigmas ever dissolve if we do not tell our stories? How will humanity ever achieve something closer to open-mindedness, or true compassion?

That's all I have to say for now. I deleted the post.

my life

is not conducive to the boxes provided in law school applications.

Maybe.

Just for the record: I'm not crazy. I'm very levelheaded. Very centered. Very aware. Very intelligent and direct. and maybe I intimidate you. and maybe you didn't expect that I would intimidate you. and so maybe it's easier for you to conclude that I'm crazy. But actually you're just immature. You're insecure. You're not sure you could handle me. and in that case, I'm glad you're keeping your distance. I can feel it. you can feel it. that sparkle and chill. it's electric. but I get it.

and ultimately, despite our connection, I have no interest in men who can't handle me. I already know too well exactly how it ends. But just in case you were wondering, I'm not crazy. and I'm a very generous kindhearted faithful partner. Maybe you know that. Maybe it scares you. So I'll have to be satisfied with this small amount.

I'm living in the swing and sway of things right now. Feeling the downward falls, and searching for the brief moments of levity. It's a little hard for one person to mitigate the constant barrage of information coming from home. I've not always been so fragile. I will not always be so fragile. Right now though, I am most definitely and appropriately exhausted and a little less than stable. Maybe sometime you'll know what's happening, and then maybe you'll see that I'm actually handling things pretty well. The destruction of one's family, especially from the inside, is not so easily weathered my friend.

Maybe we'll still know each other when I'm back. Maybe then you'll be a little older, too.

conversations with myself

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??!? ...

I don't know... trying to get better? trying things. just trying. in general. too hard.

are you the crazy girl who immediately ruins things before they begin? yes, yes sometimes.

are you too eager? too aggressive? too forward? yep. sometimes yes.

are you ever going to feel good in your own skin for more than a fleeting moment here and there? I don't know. I'm depressed. this will pass, right? when things get better with my family? when I'm done with these applications? when I'm dating a nice guy who likes me? I still smile a lot. that's good right?

do you need a guy to validate you and renew your self esteem? um, yes. unfortunately it does help a lot.

do you think this is right? no. no I really don't.

why did you do that? why not just play it cool and lay low and feign apathy? I don' t know. Can I blame the drinking? No, you can't, you only had one. and still no, you can't. Cool it.

It could have been worse you know. I am not the girl who sits on the sidelines quietly waiting and looking off into the distance with the long hair gently blowing in the wind. I am not breezy. I try to be this girl I see so often winning the game. I fail. I laugh loudly. I like people. I have opinions. I want to know things. I am strong, and so therefore I am fragile. I am sensitive. sexual. expressive. talented. intelligent. intellectual. I mean what I say. I should better protect my heart.

I know you're not that girl. How many times have I told you that you should protect your heart? and you never do it.

It's hard to sit with this sinking feeling and pause. and not fill the space. the void. I want to scream sometimes. or shake someone. or kiss someone. just to escape from the feeling. for a minute. and I do. and after the minute, there it is. just sitting there waiting for me to return. It's not going anywhere anytime soon and I've done some other stupid thing in a ridiculous attempt to break free.

But things are looking up, right? ...are they? I would not agree with you there, self. It's hard to believe there's a light at the end of the tunnel when you can't see it.

what would the light be? I don't know. Some healing? letting go? of everything? and everything below the everything?

would it be a boy? no. no a boy would be more like a band aid.

acceptance to school? Maybe, if school was fulfilling and something I really enjoyed learning about. I don't know. Is school just another escape?

The crux of this is so deep. it's a long road out. If my brother was better. If my parents were happy. If I felt the closeness to them that used to be there. If I felt the closeness to anyone that used to be there. It used to be there, right?

I don't know. You keep saying "if." that's no good.

yeah. so where are we now?

Pretty much where we were before we started talking.

Okay let's say something productive so this wasn't just a waste of time. So what are you going to do?

...I'm going to stop trying. some things may be ruined. but I guess that's the way life is.

finally

I really want to date someone sometime who isn't completely self involved. I think that would be a really rich, worthwhile experience. Does this man exist??

I love that, even when you tell self-involved people outright that they are such, and they hear you, they always have a priceless response: you're right, I am self involved, I am so terrible, my self involvement is a really big problem for me, I'm not nearly good enough. and on and on with the song and dance.

How in the world can one ever escape his own self involvement?? it may seem impossible. but believe it or not it can be done. I'll give you a line, even...

"How are you?" three words.

of course you have to just leave your own issues alone for a couple of minutes to listen for the response and hear it, which might come as a challenge, I mean how will you survive without your issues?!? but these three words are a great starting place. The beginning of the awareness that there are other people in the world. complex people. worthwhile people. and the fact that it is meaningful to experience someone else's reality as it simply exists. when you live inside your own head thinking you're the only one on the planet, you're really missing out on a lot. you might be missing out on everything.

A couple of things that renew/reaffirm my faith in a force bigger than myself:

1. irony

2. closure, hindsight

let go

you find you don't have

what you've never had

so why does it feel like a loss?

why does it feel

like life's nothing more

than a hand and a coin and yet another toss?

it's the semblance that makes its way

into my head

the semblance I hold and believe

when it crumbles and fades

at the drop of a hat

I sit with the wreckage and grieve

and I look to you, friend

to confirm I exist

that my life isn't just one elaborate dream

or lately a nightmare

I long for the day

where I wake and things are what they seem