in the meantime

Just to share some moments. in the same room. with you. is a gift.

Sounds, smells, words, phrases, hips, fingertips, music, air. All are secondary to the simple presence. The joy in the moment. A moment shared with you.

A whole box of moments. to savor. just as they are. tiny. ordinary. sublime.

Last night's thinking: abridged

The Quincy Brown Line stop has so much character. Someone should shoot a movie here. I could do without the smell though. Pigeon shit I believe.

As a rule, I used to run, sprint, to catch an incoming train. But lately I enjoy the waiting. That little voice in my head has been telling me don’t rush. So I've been missing trains.

My brain was sleepy in class tonight. Note to self: always bring chocolate to a 4 hour class. dark chocolate. sugary. caffeinated. good for concentration… especially when I’m crammed in a small room with so many handsome prospective lawyers. FOCUS! Focus on the homework Mindy! I haven’t been doing the homework…

I used to care a lot about homework.

Reluctantly, I answered a question aloud tonight,  and of course I had the wrong answer. Not so long ago in my life that may have induced a panic attack, for real. but this time I was able to forgive myself. and laugh. and breathe. and continue. Looking foolish is part of being human. if we’re doing it right.

So in fact time changes a few things sometimes without asking your permission. I used to rush around.  I used to panic.  I used to be more studious. And today I remembered:  I used to be …in love. I almost forgot. A lot can change with time.

I’m going out for pizza tomorrow night with a boy.  I don’t really eat pizza but he was so enthusiastic. How could I refuse? He’s a very cute boy. Oh… dating.

Home.

The top 5 things about being back in my parents' house at this moment:

1) my dad made chocolate cookies, which are amazing because my dad is awesome.
2) my brother is not only drug free but also chatty and sweet (?!)
3) the hot tub
4) So You Think You Can Dance on DVR
5) we're going to the lake cottage tomorrow

friends, I love you. Things have been really crappy. and they will be crappy again someday. but right now, at this moment, things are pretty wonderful. I have a home again, a sanctuary. I don't think I could ever be content without a close relationship with my parents, my brother. I took my space, I took my time, and still my well being is directly related to theirs. There's no way around it. Family is important to me.

A huge sigh of relief today. and one more (small) victory for hope and forgiveness and possibility.

I couldn't say what went wrong

except that it didn't go right

maybe you stare too deep and too long
and if I could melt I just might

but then we'd have a wet sloppy mess on our hands

and you'd be disgusted and walk away

so I hold it together

make words of the weather

and just walk beside you

in hopes that you'll stay.

how can I tell you the things that I know

I'm not always sure but I'm always kind
I'm no good at talking I'd just rather show

I promise I'll say when I change my mind

and these little blond kids

fair skinned

in tiny sneakers

play baseball in the park

maybe we all live one foot in the dark

I know I've been shy but life lately is lonely

and if I could show you, you might like to know me

but this is a game I don't know how to play

is it better to lose or to just walk away?

Write a new note.

When it feels like the only thing that will really clear out my mind is writing, I usually write on paper. The contact is satisfying. 

A little voice in my head is saying to me that it's time to start sharing again. and I'm reluctant. I'm afraid. I'm a perfectionist. and I don't want to mess up. I have a clean slate, it's a new start in a lot of different areas, and I'm terrified.  But I will make mistakes. and I guess I can still accept myself for that. 

I'm going to do very well on the LSAT. It's right up my alley.  The alley called "meticulous overachieving overthinking neat freak." 

I'm happy being single. until I meet boys I want to kiss. Boys with strong arms and crooked noses and dark eyes.  They make being single a little more complicated.  And the inner dialogue gets a little tiresome.  and I'm stubborn.  still very very stubborn. 

I'm actually pretty great, but you don't know that. and you wouldn't believe me if I told you.

I guess all we can do is our best.  and we all mess up. and things work out sometimes and sometimes they don't and contrary to what we're taught to believe, it seems like it has nothing to do with whether or not we mess up.   

I sang last night with my old friend.  This piano bar was so much seedier than I remembered.  I'm not sure if it has changed over the years since I was there last, or if my memories are just so biased that I didn't recall the tacky carpet, or the strange, awkward assortment of regulars who sit in the corners on Tuesday nights and bring music to sing. The resonance of music is fascinating to me. No matter who or what you are, no matter what you're going through, we all melt into music.    Or at least I do.