WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??!? ...
I don't know... trying to get better? trying things. just trying. in general. too hard.
are you too eager? too aggressive? too forward? yep. sometimes yes.
are you ever going to feel good in your own skin for more than a fleeting moment here and there? I don't know. I'm depressed. this will pass, right? when things get better with my family? when I'm done with these applications? when I'm dating a nice guy who likes me? I still smile a lot. that's good right?
do you need a guy to validate you and renew your self esteem? um, yes. unfortunately it does help a lot.
do you think this is right? no. no I really don't.
why did you do that? why not just play it cool and lay low and feign apathy? I don' t know. Can I blame the drinking? No, you can't, you only had one. and still no, you can't. Cool it.
It could have been worse you know. I am not the girl who sits on the sidelines quietly waiting and looking off into the distance with the long hair gently blowing in the wind. I am not breezy. I try to be this girl I see so often winning the game. I fail. I laugh loudly. I like people. I have opinions. I want to know things. I am strong, and so therefore I am fragile. I am sensitive. sexual. expressive. talented. intelligent. intellectual. I mean what I say. I should better protect my heart.
I know you're not that girl. How many times have I told you that you should protect your heart? and you never do it.
It's hard to sit with this sinking feeling and pause. and not fill the space. the void. I want to scream sometimes. or shake someone. or kiss someone. just to escape from the feeling. for a minute. and I do. and after the minute, there it is. just sitting there waiting for me to return. It's not going anywhere anytime soon and I've done some other stupid thing in a ridiculous attempt to break free.
But things are looking up, right? ...are they? I would not agree with you there, self. It's hard to believe there's a light at the end of the tunnel when you can't see it.
what would the light be? I don't know. Some healing? letting go? of everything? and everything below the everything?
would it be a boy? no. no a boy would be more like a band aid.
acceptance to school? Maybe, if school was fulfilling and something I really enjoyed learning about. I don't know. Is school just another escape?
The crux of this is so deep. it's a long road out. If my brother was better. If my parents were happy. If I felt the closeness to them that used to be there. If I felt the closeness to anyone that used to be there. It used to be there, right?
I don't know. You keep saying "if." that's no good.
yeah. so where are we now?
Pretty much where we were before we started talking.
Okay let's say something productive so this wasn't just a waste of time. So what are you going to do?
...I'm going to stop trying. some things may be ruined. but I guess that's the way life is.
