oh what a night

I don't feel bad about it.  I feel... liberated.  and I hope someday you, too, will feel liberated.  Either because you'll learn to be all right without a man, or you'll find someone better than him. Much better. But my path is my path and your path is yours, and I had to do what I had to do, and all that's meant to be will be. and let's not forget his enthusiasm. I just hope he doesn't keep wasting your time.  because you deserve better.

living/dreaming

Sometimes I wonder if we should actually treat the past as if it were nothing more than a dream.  The things we experienced which we cannot touch, cannot prove, cannot continue to have.  all dreams. nothing more than the fabric of our minds.  I had a dream last night, in two parts, where two of my best friends (one in each segment) slept with my ex-boyfriend John.  and of course they had a great time.  and I was so jealous.  and I woke up jealous.  very jealous, in fact, and mad at my friends, and still working out in my head why it made me so mad, and how was I going to deal with this betrayal.  I can still hear the conversation, the argument, the different sides.  But it never happened.  and never will happen.  probably. Who knows.  

...and then I did NOT dream that while driving, I saw my more recent ex driving in his car, twice, in the past three weeks, and we made eye contact, or rather, exchanged gaping stares, but had no further communication.  No smiling, no waving, no nodding, no texting.  Nothing. Did we ever date?  Were we ever in love?  Am I still in love with him now?  Did I do something to offend him and forget? What's the point? It might as well have been a dream that he was ever in my life.  I dreamt up a boyfriend. a jewish boyfriend. a very high maintenance jewish boyfriend. a boyfriend's family.  a boyfriend's annoying roommate.  The emotional life I lead is so very similar to that feeling right after a dream.  When you're still positive it really happened, clinging to the dream that is so desperately trying to escape the walls of your mind. 

I'm not so positive anymore.  

Maybe this is the key to letting go of the past.  Despite searching high and low, I've never been able to grasp quite exactly how to do it.  Maybe this is it. To accept that it's not happening anymore, and so since it's not in the present, it is nothing more than a dream.  A nightmare, a fantasy, a group of biased memories.  I cling to the facts, to the photos, to the words.  But really it's nothing more than a dream.  We accept that dreams end. We let them go.  Crazy crazy dreams.  They end and we don't long for them to return.  Some of them do.  We don't expect it. We don't wait for it. What more is the past than a dream? Maybe Calderon was right about life.  The only thing real is the present moment, constantly fleeting, constantly out of our control.  Life, the group of moments and memories and experiences that make up life, is no different than a dream.  A dream we can no longer touch.  no longer hold.  What a mindfuck.

Change

Who gets sick in May? A good time to reflect, I suppose.  I'm hoping this sinus infection will be a little different, though. and by different I mean shorter because I'm eating all kinds of healthy food and taking a shit ton of vitamins everyday.  Something like thirty capsules a day! Crazy, right? Yes, but it's all part of the lifestyle upgrade I'm trying to make. Eating nutritious food has been a great journey so far - I'm starting to prefer these foods to my previous favorite category of bread and/or sweets. and I'm loving all kinds of new superfoods I had never noticed before, like quinoa, sardines, soy omega-3 mayonnaise, flax crackers, dried cranberries, superdark chocolate, red onions, garlic, amaranth, gluten free brown rice cereal, all kinds of stuff.  and my stomach doesn't hurt.  and I'm so ready for swimsuit season! 

Another topic I've thought a lot about lately is makeup, and the way I use it as a crutch.  I love makeup the same way I love drawing and painting, but when it comes to my face, I don't feel pretty without it.  That's wrong!  That's so wrong ladies! Men don't wear makeup, and they're still pretty, and I believe that I should still look and feel attractive and feminine without always relying on mascara and concealer.  So for this month I'm not wearing makeup.  The only two exceptions are 1) if I'm performing onstage and 2) if I'm going to some event or occasion in the evening.  Hopefully I'll get a little sun on my face, too.  Too much SPF may be contributing to my ghostlike complexion.  I like looking at my reflection in windows and accepting the new look.  the real look.  All too often in my life, my self acceptance is conditional.  I like myself when I feel pretty, when I succeed, when I do something very well.  Conversely, I dislike myself when I feel I have demonstrated weakness, made a mistake, or failed.  and it shows in my relationships with other people, too.  After all, the way we love ourselves is the way we love (or hate) others.  So it starts here, with me.  I want to accept and love myself at all times, especially when I am down, like now. and especially when I am stripped of all my devices, when my flaws are exposed. If I ever want anyone else to love me for me, I have to do it first.   

On a related note, I love to shop.  I have a great sense of style, and I love to show it off and use it as a creative outlet.  I have more than enough dresses, outfits, shoes, jewelry, and yet my desire for more never fades.  This red flag I have chosen to ignore long enough.  Can I change?  Maybe not.  Can I try? Yes. Wholeheartedly trying, taking the hard road, challenging oneself and going to the places which might be scary and difficult, even if you come out not all that different, this is what separates people into two groups.  I want to be part of the group hiking uphill towards higher ground.  I want to be part of the group actively invested in discovering the full potential which lies within.  It's hard to leave the comfortable walls I've been living in, but I can't stay.  The quest for the trendiest wardrobe is instrumental, never ending, and it never fills that void.  the void that asks you to shop in the first place.  "if I just had this shirt, this perfect dress, these cute shoes, then..." then... what? then I would satisfy the urge until five minutes later when another dress catches my eye.  This is not the way to live.  This is not where my money should go.  This is me running away from loneliness.  Trying to smother the fear causing the void.  The fear that I'm unlovable.  The fear that I will remain alone. Buying things is the way to not confront the real issue.  to not sit in the hard place.  The hard place will not go away.  Instead it just eventually takes more and more to run from it.  So one small step for me is to rope in my shopping habits.  There are some really cute little dresses at Club Monaco and Express, and I want one. or two. and I want to wear one at my cabaret this Wednesday just so that it's clear that I'm really good looking, and Alan clearly should not have left me, it's his loss, and I am fine alone, better off even, and I am confident.  None of these things are true feelings for me right now.  The dress won't change that.  The harder thing to do is to sit with these feelings of self doubt, loneliness, anger, regret. and love and accept myself as I'm experiencing the gloom. and not buy the new dress.  

The Right Love...

A poem.  a waltz.  a rough draft.

The man that I love

well... he's more of a boy

threw me away

like a small plastic toy

A love I had thought to be mutual

and deep. and true. and unusual.

...

And so here am I

just a sad empty shell

wishing both that he loved me

and that he'd go to hell

Wond'ring... will I ever find new love?

Could it really be better than you, love?

And everyone tells me

the answer is YES!

he's selfish he's not good enough

he's ...I digress.

My point was, er is, that I'm grieving

But I'm living and still I'm believing

that real love, the right love, will stay. 

Somewhere, somehow and some way, 

my real love, the right love, will stay.

To blog.

So no more facebook here.  No more myspace.  I understand the advantages.  I understand the appeal.  I had to leave.  and so a month goes by, and I think, "I miss sharing my happenings and thoughts online." But I don't miss the online gossip.  The constant "happenings" of my kind-of-but-not-in-real-life "friends." So welcome to my blog.  I think I've entered into a new chapter of my life, and I'd like to look back on it in text someday, and remember that I got through this tough time of self-discovery and instability, and hopefully I'll be better.  stronger.  otherwise what's the point of life, right?  Here we go...