Thoughts

I’d like to tell you what I am and why I am the way I am

I’d like to show you that I’m good and show you if you want you can

I’d like to give you calm, create a sanctuary for your pain

I’ll sit right by your side we’ll wait together through the passing rain

Regret.

To punish, to thrash, bolt, die, escape, make demands

Choices pooled in your hands, now you're enslaved by commands

How I have failed you. For years, I drew my sword and collided

Ever shackled to the past, to anger young and misguided

I think of you now, and I just miss my little brother

It's amazing how deep, the ways we damage each other.

.....

Every time I tell someone new about it, no matter how I say it, I have another breakdown. They're getting smaller. I guess I usually put it out of my mind.

Fear is Key

The thing you fear the most is the thing you need to do.

For later

When the good times come again, I will not waste a drop. I will remember how desolate the landscape was at this time, and I will take deep breaths of gratitude.

In the meantime, I take small steps. One foot in front of the other. Don't ask me where I'm going, I couldn't tell you.

Things I learned this summer...

1. Don't kiss your favorite office friend. You will lose the friendship. That is the thing that hurts most.

2. Petty, insecure women are the root of everything evil.

3. Confident, kind women are the root of everything good.

4. An inflated sense of self importance is destructive.

5. The pursuit of balance is paramount.

6. You ALWAYS have a choice. Always.

Oh and some legal things. I learned legal things.

A summer boy

I got carried away by your charm and your size

I liked your pajamas, I liked your blue eyes

At the ball game when I spun the wheel for a prize

was it all a disguise?

It must have just been for the thrill of the chase

A secret romance just to feel your heart race

I must have misread that sweet look on your face

but it's hard to erase.

Cherries and popcorn and nights intertwined

It was far fetched to think you could ever be mine

While I won't understand it, with time I'll be fine

but you'll be on my mind.

Unrest

I know that as long as I seek refuge in another person I will not find the peace I seek.

I know that no person can rescue me.

Constantly I realize I hurt myself.

My fleeting heated desires are pain. A tryst will not heal my unrest. Social acceptance, vanity, consumption will not cure this disease.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to sit. Alone. In silence.

I am not afraid of being happy. I am not afraid of being alone.

I am, however, afraid of being happy alone, a crippling fear that rules over me.

And maybe I am not in need of rescuing or escape. Maybe I am plainly in need of acceptance and surrender.

I surrender to you, dear life, dear self.

Constantly, I surrender.