some days...

I remember the feeling of having such a great friend.

I fill with anger knowing you're no longer my friend. and it's your fault. and I can't forgive you.

I wish I could forgive you.

I wish you were still my friend.

I wish we could still laugh until we cried, I wish we could still talk about anything at length.

I wish I could know what you're writing now. what you're reading.

I want to talk to you, and then the rage comes again. You've made it impossible.

I remember you...

and some days... I forget. and then I really feel sad. Knowing how far away I am from that friendship. I'm light years away.

I have amazing friends. but you knew me best. you just did.

too sixy for my pants

Goodbye for now size 4

Personal Statement 2

I deleted a previous post. and I have some thoughts about it.

I realize the content of my "personal statement" was intensely personal and revealed some things about my brother's life he wishes to keep private and out of the internet world. I understand. I respect that.

It may happen that because of my loud mouth my brother might find himself one day in a less than desirable situation with someone he has just met who might presume things about him based on his past. Yes, that would be hard and less than ideal. However, hard and less than ideal is an inescapable part of life. Tough luck. The way I deal with things is to talk about them and get them out in the open. There are innumerable consequences to our actions. They're not all fair. Maybe this is one of them. But no, someone messed up and hurt a bunch of people, and I'm supposed to shut up about it. I'm supposed to heal and process in silence, and pretend like it's not still affecting me right now.

There's an argument (that I respect) that it's "not my place" to tell someone else's life struggles. I guess this is true, although it implies that it is indeed someone's place to tell. Presumably that someone is my brother, right? His account of his life is his right to share or to keep private. Is his account the best account? the right account? the only account that matters? the only account with the power to change society?

This brings me to my point, and the dire condition of human existence right now, which concerns just how oblivious we are of the effects of our actions on other people. My life is not solely made up of my choices, my actions, my failures. In fact lately, the quality of my life has been directly affected by someone's actions over which I have no control. I have no remedy. I have no defense. Would I have moved back to Indy if it were not for someone else's choices? Would I cry myself to sleep and find myself forgetting things I used to remember if not for someone else's choices?

I want to fly a banner that reads: YOUR ACTIONS AFFECT OTHER PEOPLE. They don't just make them cry or worry, or brush their shoulder for a second, fading into the past. Your actions and choices directly affect in a deep and experiential way other people's lives. No, I can't possibly know all the ways, but I can try to be more aware, and just because I wasn't the person who made the choices, or the parent of the person, doesn't mean I don't have a real experience and a story to tell. Sometimes, your actions do indeed become someone else's truth, someone else's story, someone else's life.

How will social stigmas ever dissolve if we do not tell our stories? How will humanity ever achieve something closer to open-mindedness, or true compassion?

That's all I have to say for now. I deleted the post.

my life

is not conducive to the boxes provided in law school applications.

Maybe.

Just for the record: I'm not crazy. I'm very levelheaded. Very centered. Very aware. Very intelligent and direct. and maybe I intimidate you. and maybe you didn't expect that I would intimidate you. and so maybe it's easier for you to conclude that I'm crazy. But actually you're just immature. You're insecure. You're not sure you could handle me. and in that case, I'm glad you're keeping your distance. I can feel it. you can feel it. that sparkle and chill. it's electric. but I get it.

and ultimately, despite our connection, I have no interest in men who can't handle me. I already know too well exactly how it ends. But just in case you were wondering, I'm not crazy. and I'm a very generous kindhearted faithful partner. Maybe you know that. Maybe it scares you. So I'll have to be satisfied with this small amount.

I'm living in the swing and sway of things right now. Feeling the downward falls, and searching for the brief moments of levity. It's a little hard for one person to mitigate the constant barrage of information coming from home. I've not always been so fragile. I will not always be so fragile. Right now though, I am most definitely and appropriately exhausted and a little less than stable. Maybe sometime you'll know what's happening, and then maybe you'll see that I'm actually handling things pretty well. The destruction of one's family, especially from the inside, is not so easily weathered my friend.

Maybe we'll still know each other when I'm back. Maybe then you'll be a little older, too.

conversations with myself

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??!? ...

I don't know... trying to get better? trying things. just trying. in general. too hard.

are you the crazy girl who immediately ruins things before they begin? yes, yes sometimes.

are you too eager? too aggressive? too forward? yep. sometimes yes.

are you ever going to feel good in your own skin for more than a fleeting moment here and there? I don't know. I'm depressed. this will pass, right? when things get better with my family? when I'm done with these applications? when I'm dating a nice guy who likes me? I still smile a lot. that's good right?

do you need a guy to validate you and renew your self esteem? um, yes. unfortunately it does help a lot.

do you think this is right? no. no I really don't.

why did you do that? why not just play it cool and lay low and feign apathy? I don' t know. Can I blame the drinking? No, you can't, you only had one. and still no, you can't. Cool it.

It could have been worse you know. I am not the girl who sits on the sidelines quietly waiting and looking off into the distance with the long hair gently blowing in the wind. I am not breezy. I try to be this girl I see so often winning the game. I fail. I laugh loudly. I like people. I have opinions. I want to know things. I am strong, and so therefore I am fragile. I am sensitive. sexual. expressive. talented. intelligent. intellectual. I mean what I say. I should better protect my heart.

I know you're not that girl. How many times have I told you that you should protect your heart? and you never do it.

It's hard to sit with this sinking feeling and pause. and not fill the space. the void. I want to scream sometimes. or shake someone. or kiss someone. just to escape from the feeling. for a minute. and I do. and after the minute, there it is. just sitting there waiting for me to return. It's not going anywhere anytime soon and I've done some other stupid thing in a ridiculous attempt to break free.

But things are looking up, right? ...are they? I would not agree with you there, self. It's hard to believe there's a light at the end of the tunnel when you can't see it.

what would the light be? I don't know. Some healing? letting go? of everything? and everything below the everything?

would it be a boy? no. no a boy would be more like a band aid.

acceptance to school? Maybe, if school was fulfilling and something I really enjoyed learning about. I don't know. Is school just another escape?

The crux of this is so deep. it's a long road out. If my brother was better. If my parents were happy. If I felt the closeness to them that used to be there. If I felt the closeness to anyone that used to be there. It used to be there, right?

I don't know. You keep saying "if." that's no good.

yeah. so where are we now?

Pretty much where we were before we started talking.

Okay let's say something productive so this wasn't just a waste of time. So what are you going to do?

...I'm going to stop trying. some things may be ruined. but I guess that's the way life is.

finally

I really want to date someone sometime who isn't completely self involved. I think that would be a really rich, worthwhile experience. Does this man exist??

I love that, even when you tell self-involved people outright that they are such, and they hear you, they always have a priceless response: you're right, I am self involved, I am so terrible, my self involvement is a really big problem for me, I'm not nearly good enough. and on and on with the song and dance.

How in the world can one ever escape his own self involvement?? it may seem impossible. but believe it or not it can be done. I'll give you a line, even...

"How are you?" three words.

of course you have to just leave your own issues alone for a couple of minutes to listen for the response and hear it, which might come as a challenge, I mean how will you survive without your issues?!? but these three words are a great starting place. The beginning of the awareness that there are other people in the world. complex people. worthwhile people. and the fact that it is meaningful to experience someone else's reality as it simply exists. when you live inside your own head thinking you're the only one on the planet, you're really missing out on a lot. you might be missing out on everything.

A couple of things that renew/reaffirm my faith in a force bigger than myself:

1. irony

2. closure, hindsight