finally

I really want to date someone sometime who isn't completely self involved. I think that would be a really rich, worthwhile experience. Does this man exist??

I love that, even when you tell self-involved people outright that they are such, and they hear you, they always have a priceless response: you're right, I am self involved, I am so terrible, my self involvement is a really big problem for me, I'm not nearly good enough. and on and on with the song and dance.

How in the world can one ever escape his own self involvement?? it may seem impossible. but believe it or not it can be done. I'll give you a line, even...

"How are you?" three words.

of course you have to just leave your own issues alone for a couple of minutes to listen for the response and hear it, which might come as a challenge, I mean how will you survive without your issues?!? but these three words are a great starting place. The beginning of the awareness that there are other people in the world. complex people. worthwhile people. and the fact that it is meaningful to experience someone else's reality as it simply exists. when you live inside your own head thinking you're the only one on the planet, you're really missing out on a lot. you might be missing out on everything.

A couple of things that renew/reaffirm my faith in a force bigger than myself:

1. irony

2. closure, hindsight

let go

you find you don't have

what you've never had

so why does it feel like a loss?

why does it feel

like life's nothing more

than a hand and a coin and yet another toss?

it's the semblance that makes its way

into my head

the semblance I hold and believe

when it crumbles and fades

at the drop of a hat

I sit with the wreckage and grieve

and I look to you, friend

to confirm I exist

that my life isn't just one elaborate dream

or lately a nightmare

I long for the day

where I wake and things are what they seem

Blogtastic

Blogging is so dramatic. geez. right?

nobody's perfect.

So long.

Words like ready. better. should. all freak me out.

I'm not ready.

I have things to do. that I don't want to do. I don't want to stay. I don't want to go. I don't know the right thing.

I'm stuck. empty. blank. restless. stale. toxic. idle.

When do things get better? when we make them better? when we decide that what we've got is enough? Can addictions be healed? Can we become free? Can we evolve past codependency? Do people ever wake up and see things they didn't see couldn't see before? Do we actually grow up? Can we actually change? I'm not optimistic.

It's been the roughest year. so far. 2009.

I'm really going to miss it. the city. the people. and maybe I'll be back. but this time will be gone then. I'm leaving it behind. I'm not ready. I have to go. Things just aren't right here anymore. I don't know what happened. I just lost it. I don't know where it went, when it went, why it went, or what it is. It's just gone. and I have to let go.

A salute to the end of this year. A hope that these will be good months. Productive months. calm months. thorough months. Months of closure. and enjoyment. and health.

new moves

you've proven unworthy

so I readjust

each time as I must

to stay safe from the lust

but then even to trust

in the things we've discussed

is a bust

while you dance around

your life gathers dust

and all I can do

is watch and adjust

Don't be scared

do you know what's better than religion at doing what religion sets out to do?  unconditional love.

and in the scheme of things, in the scheme of the whole universe and beyond, endless space and time, zillions and billions of years and ages and moments, our lives are so small.  so short.  so fleeting.  so special and magical. our lives are a speck. a sparkle. a flash. who CARES what religion you are? who cares what religion your children are? isn't it more important to care about the nature of the time we have here? what we give, how we love, learn, preserve, care, grow, adapt, evolve? aren't these things more important than a man made theory about things we really can't know right now?

if you have a feeling, that's great. If you have beliefs, if you know things, that's lovely.  If things have been revealed to you, if you're found a community of people who share your values or if you're a pioneer and you have stumbled upon some new enlightening information, that is amazing.  and even more amazing if you find people who agree with you.  it is a gift.  to be cherished. indeed. but at some point if we invest any amount of faith into ANYTHING outside of ourselves we MUST accept that others are and always will be different and should be different and other paths are right.  otherwise how insulting to this creator of ours, this omniscient omnipotent creator, to imply that things are not exactly as they should be.  To try to grab the wheel and steer, and force, and fix, and push and pull in the name of faith is an oxymoron. a conflict of interest. a failure. to judge, to condemn, to damn, to hate, to attach. to presume. to fight. these are the antitheses of faith.

Several times in my life so far I have been reminded that I do not belong in various religions.  I don't fit in, my spirituality cannot be accommodated, my family is not welcome, my heritage is not enough.  The message I have received is "come as you are, but just change a couple things first." and unfortunately I have tried. I am so willing. too willing.  but ultimately, it turns out, I am who I am. I can't not be me. and I happen to believe that I am enough. I am beautifully crafted with an open mind and thoughts and opinions and feelings and all.  It is this belief that actually allows me to change and grow. So there has always in the past come a time. when I must walk away.  alone. and disappointed.  I walk.  I find a place in the grass, in the dirt, to sit.  to sprawl. to listen as my heart shatters and aches longing for someone to take me as I am.  These religions are beautiful, meaningful, they have good intentions but, God, we distort them.  Our egos get in the way of the unconditional nature You have tried to instill.  and I look at the sky, my throat is tight, and over and over again I just ask "why?" I scream, I beg, I plead, I tug, I thrash, I cry.

I am Your daughter, yet You wont reply.  "Just remain open," You finally say, "as I show you things." that is my job, I guess, my constant challenge.  Knowing what these things are, or what they mean, is not part of the deal.

So I stay just a child with a curious mind.

Looking out through these eyes both wide open and blind.

the clean slate

Hey Mindy - love yourself,  love other people, read good books.  Things are just fine.

How will you cope with the fear and the past? We've got some important choices to make.

________

the daisies in my window crane their necks just to get a glimpse of light. of warmth. 

maybe the things we need are always in the air maybe just around the corner and its up to us to find them see them feel them there and take them in with love and care...

look at you, from out of nowhere, teaching me all these things I've always wanted to learn.  How lucky am I even just to have this small amount.  I never could have seen it coming.

and how silly would I be to continue to resist. to fear. 

I'll not miss another chance to tell you dear,

I simply like it when you're near. 

and I'm just thankful that you're here.