So long.

Words like ready. better. should. all freak me out.

I'm not ready.

I have things to do. that I don't want to do. I don't want to stay. I don't want to go. I don't know the right thing.

I'm stuck. empty. blank. restless. stale. toxic. idle.

When do things get better? when we make them better? when we decide that what we've got is enough? Can addictions be healed? Can we become free? Can we evolve past codependency? Do people ever wake up and see things they didn't see couldn't see before? Do we actually grow up? Can we actually change? I'm not optimistic.

It's been the roughest year. so far. 2009.

I'm really going to miss it. the city. the people. and maybe I'll be back. but this time will be gone then. I'm leaving it behind. I'm not ready. I have to go. Things just aren't right here anymore. I don't know what happened. I just lost it. I don't know where it went, when it went, why it went, or what it is. It's just gone. and I have to let go.

A salute to the end of this year. A hope that these will be good months. Productive months. calm months. thorough months. Months of closure. and enjoyment. and health.

new moves

you've proven unworthy

so I readjust

each time as I must

to stay safe from the lust

but then even to trust

in the things we've discussed

is a bust

while you dance around

your life gathers dust

and all I can do

is watch and adjust

Don't be scared

do you know what's better than religion at doing what religion sets out to do?  unconditional love.

and in the scheme of things, in the scheme of the whole universe and beyond, endless space and time, zillions and billions of years and ages and moments, our lives are so small.  so short.  so fleeting.  so special and magical. our lives are a speck. a sparkle. a flash. who CARES what religion you are? who cares what religion your children are? isn't it more important to care about the nature of the time we have here? what we give, how we love, learn, preserve, care, grow, adapt, evolve? aren't these things more important than a man made theory about things we really can't know right now?

if you have a feeling, that's great. If you have beliefs, if you know things, that's lovely.  If things have been revealed to you, if you're found a community of people who share your values or if you're a pioneer and you have stumbled upon some new enlightening information, that is amazing.  and even more amazing if you find people who agree with you.  it is a gift.  to be cherished. indeed. but at some point if we invest any amount of faith into ANYTHING outside of ourselves we MUST accept that others are and always will be different and should be different and other paths are right.  otherwise how insulting to this creator of ours, this omniscient omnipotent creator, to imply that things are not exactly as they should be.  To try to grab the wheel and steer, and force, and fix, and push and pull in the name of faith is an oxymoron. a conflict of interest. a failure. to judge, to condemn, to damn, to hate, to attach. to presume. to fight. these are the antitheses of faith.

Several times in my life so far I have been reminded that I do not belong in various religions.  I don't fit in, my spirituality cannot be accommodated, my family is not welcome, my heritage is not enough.  The message I have received is "come as you are, but just change a couple things first." and unfortunately I have tried. I am so willing. too willing.  but ultimately, it turns out, I am who I am. I can't not be me. and I happen to believe that I am enough. I am beautifully crafted with an open mind and thoughts and opinions and feelings and all.  It is this belief that actually allows me to change and grow. So there has always in the past come a time. when I must walk away.  alone. and disappointed.  I walk.  I find a place in the grass, in the dirt, to sit.  to sprawl. to listen as my heart shatters and aches longing for someone to take me as I am.  These religions are beautiful, meaningful, they have good intentions but, God, we distort them.  Our egos get in the way of the unconditional nature You have tried to instill.  and I look at the sky, my throat is tight, and over and over again I just ask "why?" I scream, I beg, I plead, I tug, I thrash, I cry.

I am Your daughter, yet You wont reply.  "Just remain open," You finally say, "as I show you things." that is my job, I guess, my constant challenge.  Knowing what these things are, or what they mean, is not part of the deal.

So I stay just a child with a curious mind.

Looking out through these eyes both wide open and blind.

the clean slate

Hey Mindy - love yourself,  love other people, read good books.  Things are just fine.

How will you cope with the fear and the past? We've got some important choices to make.

________

the daisies in my window crane their necks just to get a glimpse of light. of warmth. 

maybe the things we need are always in the air maybe just around the corner and its up to us to find them see them feel them there and take them in with love and care...

look at you, from out of nowhere, teaching me all these things I've always wanted to learn.  How lucky am I even just to have this small amount.  I never could have seen it coming.

and how silly would I be to continue to resist. to fear. 

I'll not miss another chance to tell you dear,

I simply like it when you're near. 

and I'm just thankful that you're here.

math and the mirror

...

I can’t help it

I’m poised but she is breaking aching shaking risking the solid ground I need to stand. the ground I built with my own hands. I resist, but she demands.

I thought I’d landed but actually she’s always flying high to fall she feels the slightest breeze with ease with pain with laughter and she lingers loving after some would say its gone.

She feels you

but I can’t allow this we made an agreement strictly about this but she doesn’t listen. not to me. She only hears cacophony. I have to love her protect her let her lean but intervene when she’s about to jump the fence.  It’s too intense dear girl don’t you remember what we lost the great expense the time it cost when you let us get tossed?

...

Smiling, she considers me, with tears in her sighs she is gentle and kind without compromise and she asks me repeatedly to realize just why she lives and why she dies and I have to admit after all the time I analyze and criticize... she’s always there.  and she never lies.  

so I take her hand and close my eyes, I fear we're near our next demise and she looks at me. and I feel her way.  

and I know we'll make it out okay.

A little older by Tuesday.

I can't sleep despite my body, which keeps asking me to rest.  It's getting progressively less patient.  and it's mad at me for the dairy. and the chocolate.

I like unusual boys. how tragic. and sometimes I think I'm just crazy. but I must not be. because if I were crazy, you might want me. But no. I lack that dysfunctional intrigue, and I actually do the work to let go of my issues so I might have happy functional relationships, so I'm not quite interesting enough. not sexy enough. for you. But you did allow me to think I was. You did watch as you were leading. ...and misleading. 

and its hard for me to believe you were unaware when I know I wear my heart on my sleeve and I know you felt it beat harder when we were close.  and we were very close. 

Flirting is innocent but we should all be considerate of the fragile human heart and signals we send.  mixed signals.  It can be cruel. Unusual, yes. interesting, charming, intoxicating, yes. but also cruel.  So maybe the challenge for me is to spot the man who is unusual but also kind.  True kindness, most unusual itself.  People don't always know if or when they're being cruel and yet the truth remains. 

but I too have been cruel.  unknowingly. to a close friend.  I was floating, buzzing, whirling around in my little make believe world and two months passed in a blink. and she starred in four shows. and she turned 26. and she called me several times.  and I thought of her often but it's not enough just to think.  I let her down.  I know I'll make it up to her with time, but at the moment, there's a pang in my chest.  I never meant to hurt you dear friend.  but I can hear it in your voice.  and I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry.  You deserved my time and energy.

We walk around sometimes with our heads held high thinking we have things all figured out. when in fact, I've been a terrible friend.  and the unusual boy likes a different girl. 

and I always forget...

I have a man who cares about me.  he appears out of thin air when I most need the reminder, and when I least expect it.  when and only when.  and our relationship doesn't really fit words.  One year ago if you would have taken a snapshot my life was so very different. I was falling, stumbling, diving heart first into love.  and my career was theatre. and it was going well.  and my family was oblivious and virtually untouched by the weight of suffering. and in what seemed like one moment, it vanished before my eyes. and there stood John. as he did tonight. In general, I rarely accept the kind of comfort he provides.  I rarely allow myself to give in.  but he does understand. quite deeply in fact.  and he's good to his girlfriend. and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I don't long for Alan.  I'm thankful to be rid of him.  It wasn't right.  but tonight I am reminded that still, scattered around my space and happiness, the pain of the wound persists.  in my hips. in my lungs. the pit of my stomach, and right between my eyes.  I can touch it.

We can never truly know each others' thoughts.  So it is our responsibility, if we are to be kind, to take care in our words and actions.  to be aware of our tendency, our power, our ability, to manipulate, to imply, to mislead, and then to proceed with compassion.  To be kind, to be compassionate, honest, transparent, is not necessarily to be nice. or even selfless.  What have I learned? Well I'm still asking.  every day. I don't suppose I'll ever really have an answer.  but the important thing is the asking.  I'm tempted to say that I've learned to never love.  to never trust.  and sometimes I do feel that way.  but settling for that answer would be unfortunate indeed.  

I've been so free from this, and how unfair.  the smallest trigger brought me back to that familiar gloom.  tonight.  I told John about things lately, and what is my deal.  and he said simply, gently, "Mindy. He wanted to marry you... and he left." and something clicked.  it rushed through my veins. my arms. my heart. and sitting in the car on Ashland and Foster I cried.  and I let John hold me.

and now we're well into Tuesday. and I'm thankful to be alone. somber and pensive, but content. Rest is important.  

well... damn.

I've got a crush.

my head's strong 

but my heart's 

made of mush.

it's not hard 

to see you're 

in no rush.

but, sir, I've 

got a problem-

I've got a crush.

humph.