Another topic I've thought a lot about lately is makeup, and the way I use it as a crutch. I love makeup the same way I love drawing and painting, but when it comes to my face, I don't feel pretty without it. That's wrong! That's so wrong ladies! Men don't wear makeup, and they're still pretty, and I believe that I should still look and feel attractive and feminine without always relying on mascara and concealer. So for this month I'm not wearing makeup. The only two exceptions are 1) if I'm performing onstage and 2) if I'm going to some event or occasion in the evening. Hopefully I'll get a little sun on my face, too. Too much SPF may be contributing to my ghostlike complexion. I like looking at my reflection in windows and accepting the new look. the real look. All too often in my life, my self acceptance is conditional. I like myself when I feel pretty, when I succeed, when I do something very well. Conversely, I dislike myself when I feel I have demonstrated weakness, made a mistake, or failed. and it shows in my relationships with other people, too. After all, the way we love ourselves is the way we love (or hate) others. So it starts here, with me. I want to accept and love myself at all times, especially when I am down, like now. and especially when I am stripped of all my devices, when my flaws are exposed. If I ever want anyone else to love me for me, I have to do it first.
On a related note, I love to shop. I have a great sense of style, and I love to show it off and use it as a creative outlet. I have more than enough dresses, outfits, shoes, jewelry, and yet my desire for more never fades. This red flag I have chosen to ignore long enough. Can I change? Maybe not. Can I try? Yes. Wholeheartedly trying, taking the hard road, challenging oneself and going to the places which might be scary and difficult, even if you come out not all that different, this is what separates people into two groups. I want to be part of the group hiking uphill towards higher ground. I want to be part of the group actively invested in discovering the full potential which lies within. It's hard to leave the comfortable walls I've been living in, but I can't stay. The quest for the trendiest wardrobe is instrumental, never ending, and it never fills that void. the void that asks you to shop in the first place. "if I just had this shirt, this perfect dress, these cute shoes, then..." then... what? then I would satisfy the urge until five minutes later when another dress catches my eye. This is not the way to live. This is not where my money should go. This is me running away from loneliness. Trying to smother the fear causing the void. The fear that I'm unlovable. The fear that I will remain alone. Buying things is the way to not confront the real issue. to not sit in the hard place. The hard place will not go away. Instead it just eventually takes more and more to run from it. So one small step for me is to rope in my shopping habits. There are some really cute little dresses at Club Monaco and Express, and I want one. or two. and I want to wear one at my cabaret this Wednesday just so that it's clear that I'm really good looking, and Alan clearly should not have left me, it's his loss, and I am fine alone, better off even, and I am confident. None of these things are true feelings for me right now. The dress won't change that. The harder thing to do is to sit with these feelings of self doubt, loneliness, anger, regret. and love and accept myself as I'm experiencing the gloom. and not buy the new dress.
